ChampIons for God

2010-10-28T12:33:00.002+08:00

I guess.
in that race.
I will never win.

I really want to withdraw from it.
its not easy.
trying hard not to give up.
trying hard to hang in there all da way
but i know.
at da end of da day
i will still lose.

i tried.

it aint dripping..
theres a pool..

2010-10-28T00:43:00.001+08:00

If I were to say Im not hurting, I would be lying.
If I were to say I dont care, I would also be lying.

2010-10-23T13:04:00.001+08:00

everything underground.
what for front stage?

2010-10-21T02:30:00.001+08:00

Im acting this way.. and doing all this is because I care.

2010-10-18T23:00:00.003+08:00

Lately, I have not been sleeping well at night!
One side of my shoulder will hurt so badly that it numbs up within seconds. And so i will toss and turn on da bed. After getting a more comfortable spot, my arm will numb up. Geez.

Im so sorry.. If only I could do something about it.
I am still trying to find ways and means.
Give me time.
But really.
Sometimes, look further. Look at da bigger picture.
Right now, we are all too caught up looking at da small picture which is short term and temporary.
How else can I help you to see?
Im sorry.

If I can do anything to make you feel better, I will definitely will!

2010-10-16T01:40:00.002+08:00

As I go way back into my history and memories..
I realise that I really miss those days..
I really miss those people..
I really miss everything about last time..
Of course, we have to move on.. look forward no matter what because we cannot turn back time..

But as we all grow older..
And we all go our separate ways and all..
Once in awhile, communicating with them.. The memories just come flooding back again..
& oh.. How i really miss them!

2010-10-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

As I looked back, certain things just keep on haunting me.
Certain things keep on reminding me that its not over yet.
Certain things keep on telling me to press on for something great awaits me.

As I keep on looking, searching for some answer,
reading deeper into things,
thinking and podering over LOTS of things..
I just realise...

Not only now.
But since quite long ago..
Since that very day..
When all backs were turned against her..
That was when I knew.. I had to stand up for her..
Things might become like last time again.
I dont want it to repeat again..
Its not going to be easy.
So much that i can do..
While da decisions lie in others hands..
What i can do now..
is to...

I will do it..
All for her!

2010-10-02T00:58:00.003+08:00

Its sad to see how friendships are seen in terms of price value!
The higher your price value, the better friend you are!
The lower your price value, the next moment you will go "Do I know you?"

So what happen to all those true friends that we always complain about not having?
What happened to all those friends who were always at your side when you needed them?
What happened to all those friends who cheered you up when you were sad?
What happened to all those friends who would do things willingly for you?
What happened to all those friends who preotected you?
I dont believe that they have disappeared!
Because I believe that there are still nice people around us.
Only that we do not open up our eyes.
Only that we choose not to see.
Only that we do NOT appreciate them!
Isn't it sad?

And its all because of $.
all because of being too materialistic.!

2010-09-30T02:06:00.001+08:00

I dont know why am I still so urgh about it.
It is seriously very... Urgh..
the feeling is very urgh..
everything about it is urgh..

keeping it is urgh..
Letting out is urgh..

2010-09-29T10:53:00.001+08:00

I guess I will wait patiently even though this whole process is killing me terribly!
=(

2010-09-28T00:59:00.003+08:00

You would not be able to understand how I feel.

Sometimes, the happier one is, the more problem that person is trying to hide.
I dont know larh huh.
But yeah.
It pains me somehow.

2010-09-27T10:36:00.002+08:00

I am starting to enjoy just spending more time with my family. Even though there are only da 3 of us, but I am really glad that my parents are always there for me!
They are da ones who brought me up. They are da ones who never gave up on me.
They are da ones who make me who I am today!
I am very grateful for them!

Sometimes, i cant help but to keep on worrying about where will I be tomorrow if the world was to end today.
I fret about it.
I told my parents about it.

In my this life.. What have I done well?

I told my parents that I love and have gotten used to doing things backstage.
I mean.. being up on da front stage is good. But remember to ask ourselves what is da motive?
Like I said, I learn what humility is all about.
What lowering of pride is all about.
Its not all about the fame and fortune and what not..
Sometimes..
all the small things that you do and that people do not see or acknoledge, are those things that will add up to a big and important thing in the future which will make a whole lot of difference!!

Im glad.
Im starting to open my eyes a lil more.. even after 19 years, I am still opening my eyes to this world. Experiencing different kind of things.
Still learning how to hunt in da jungle..
Im halfway there.
But there iis still much more to learn!

Thank you.

2010-09-25T00:22:00.001+08:00

Sucks man.
So many thing on my mind..
I mean.. what a loser to complain about it.
After all, everyone has alot of things on their minds.
Anyway.. yeah..
Ok.. suddenly.. I dont feel like letting it out here..
maybe soon?

2010-09-24T23:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it really takes one to lose something so close to them before they realise how important that thing / person is to them!
Ask yourself.. What is more important?
Would you leave behind that whole group that has been with you throughout for another whom you just know for a short period of time?
How credible is that person?
I dont know. Sometimes, I feel that humans are a foolish bunch of people.
But what can I say right?

Until fear, disappointment has set in, only then we realise how cruel and harsh this world is.
Other than that.. We will just shrug it off aye?
I raelly dont like it. But like I say.. This is the world.
Welcome to this world.
This world hold both good and surprises.
This world hold decisions.
Both good and bad.
However, whether the decisions are good or bad..
It is not planned out for you..
The decisions are those that you chose for yourself..
Hence.. If you are in a bad situation.. blame no others but yourself..
You chose that road for yourself..
No one can help you.,
Even so..
Those who wanted to help you has already warned you of it..
but you CHOSE to shrug it off.
You chose it..

I see so many close friends of mine all affected..
All because of the wrong decisions made..
And what can I do?
I am not able to do anything.
The most.. all I can do is to be by their side until they feel better..
Go home.. Hope and pray that they will feel better the next day..
But of course.. there will always be evil villians who will always spoil all these things and all..
And that vicious cycle will start all over again..

At the right time.. make da right decision!
And from then all..
Dont every regret!
You hurt,
the people around you will also hurt..

You wont know..
But yeah..
the feeling of being useless just sucks so bad!
I dont want to have that feeling ever again..
But I know that I cannot run away from that feeling..

2010-09-24T17:08:00.003+08:00

I feel responsible..
No matter how burdened i am..
I still will do it..
of course sometimes after crying to dailo and all..

I think I will try and change abit.
Whatever it is..
Im not going to show..
Unless I really cannot take it anymore.

And what if i tell you that I am hurting if i see you like this?
But I cannot do anything to make you feel better.
sigh.
sian.

and what if i say.. that I miss you?

2010-09-22T01:40:00.003+08:00

im afraid of letting go.
i feel stress
i really want to let go all!
but i cannot and dun think that i am able to let go ALL!
maybe i jusst want to keep certain things within me.
though i have no idea for what.. but yeah..

i know that when i let everything out, there is a high chance
that i might regret.
why cant i be those normal ppl who lets go so easily?
maybe thats why im always so controlled. but i guess..
in this case, it aint a bad thing! =D. ohwells.

i might or might not..
depends.
it all depends..
it really all depends..

2010-09-21T09:23:00.002+08:00

Everytime, one thing is settled, another one will definitely come.
Ignoring is easy.
But really.
my soft spot.. I really cannot..
That is why I always become a mgy.
I always think that I can handle it, but in reality.. I cannot..
I really dont know how sometimes..

But yeah.
This is life.

But through it all, Im glad to have my family and friends around me.
Im glad that Dailo is always there for me.
ALWAYS!
Everytime I want to be independent and not be a mgy...
i will ren.. until when I cannot tahan..
At the end of it all, I will still turn to her..
really!
Thank you Dailo!
=)

2010-09-13T05:11:00.002+08:00

it has been a long and tiring journey for me this past week or so.
I mean, at times, I really felt very frustrated!
But after all these things, I also did learn alot of things!
In fact, I am beginning to enjoy what I went through, including those frustrating times!

You see, somehow, i always get myself involved in this kind of things! geez! There are pros and cons in everything we do.
Anyway, this whole week is going to be.. How should I put it?
Maybe I should say an interesting and yet tiring one?
But I really cant wait! And it starts from later!

I did well at that point in time.
Soon, I thought that I was doing well.
And then.. it hit me real hard on my face.
I failed at the end of it all..
No matter how much I tried from the start.

Im really glad.
For those always never fail to cheer me up!

Im trying really hard.
But I just cant.
Sigh.
refocus..
and the focal point shifts back again.
time and time again..
This focal point keeps on changing, unable to stay at one spot.

I can only watch from far.
I cannot do anything.
As much as I want to.
But I know that I will always be there in times of trouble,
That I am VERY SURE!

& the mirror shatters into many pieces...

2010-09-11T13:14:00.003+08:00

I know that is a very bad kind of attitude / weak mental, however you want to see it.
But sometimes, I really ask myself, Why am I doing so much things?
Things that are draining out my energy like literally?
It is not as if I dont have other things to do you know?
I do have other things, but its just that, I also somehow involve myself in this kind of things.
I dont exactly hate it, but yeah, it gets on my nerves and it is frustrating sometimes!

But I guess, I still follow strictly one of my rules in my rule book. ( Which might be one reason that my energy is depleting so fast )

" I can't do everything. But I can do something. So I will not refuse to do the something which I can do! "

I rather burden myself more.

2010-09-09T01:38:00.002+08:00

So many things I want to say/type/blog/scream about etc.
But somehow, it either gets stuck in my throat or.. I just want to keep it to myself.

What I can say is that right now, how I am feeling, no one will be able to understand.
Of course, people will say, "How would you know? Because you have not tried telling other people your problems", that sort of things.
Well, I would not totally disagree with them. However, if everything was so straight forward, then wouldn't the world be such a simple world to comprehend and live in?
But NO! This is currently not the case and issue you see.

Maybe I am just being a tad selfish for once.
Maybe I dont want to lose it this year?
But seeing some actions, and knowing some raections, well, it really kinds of make me angry, sad, disappointed etc.
And it makes me wonder..
Did I do anything wrong from the start?
Could I have done something better so that the results would not be like this?
Did I act a certain way which causes some upset now?
Why in the first place did I do that particular"action" and so forth.

Many a times, I keep on wondering, what good thing could have been done so that all these mishaps / troubles etc could have been avoided?
Let me type all these in complicated theory.

In a venn diagram of 3 circles, all the polynomials are close to each other. Some may even be a subset of each other. However, the sad and mysterious thing is that, there is no intersect.
I mean how can it be?
No intersect in 3 circles? Where some may be a subset of each other?
How can that ever happen?
You see, in textbook cases, that is definitely not a possible case,
however, that is what is happening right now in my life.
Yeah, I know. Hard to comprehend, but I am not asking anyone to comprehend all these because this is something that is not easy to comprehend.
Even I,myself also dont know from which angle I should start seeing things?

I only hope that soon, there will be another up and coming intersect to rise.
Right now, there is not one. Sad to say.
Cuz, I am really disappointed.

But I guess, this is all part of the pressure, challenge and what not.
It is time for some growing up.
Enough of childish plays.
complacency.
pride.
easy satisfaction.
goaless mind.
know it all attitude.
that is definitely what is going to hold your back.
still not up to my expectations yet.
And I dont see it coming any time soon.

I really had enough of this!
If right now, you still dont know what is a major clef and what is a bass clef,
I can only say right now is that, not only am I disappointed,
But I can only say..
I am glad I gave you a chance.
But please!
Dont be around me unnecessary.

Back to my strict regime.
And everything all goes back in before the next downpour.

2010-08-27T00:38:00.002+08:00

Somehow, at this point in time, I have so many things running through my head.
I dont even know where to start from, lest end it.
A cloudy feeling, and it was bad enough to kill.

Right now, I feel like unleashing everything that is troubling me against the wall.
Yes, the wall!

What can I do?
It scares me.

2010-08-25T02:34:00.002+08:00

It got me thinking.
another vicious cycle.
Yet, when i heard those words..
I teared.
I was comforted.
I was happy.
I smiled, knowing that everything would be alright in the end!

she knew.
i knew.
we knew.

2010-08-24T02:58:00.002+08:00

How much they mean to you is how much you mean to them.

Lately, I have no comments about a particular thing.
Is not that I am afraid to get involved or something.
Its because I have no idea how else to react already.
As much as I want to help both sides(Which is impossible because we can NEVER please everybody), but somehow, I cannot find any more reasons to defend you. or even just to see from a neutral point of view.

It gets tougher and tougher!
Really stretching and testing my patience and limits!

When I heard about that issue, I got quite heated up.
When I read the message, I got heated up again.
Something must be wrong with me!
One word to summarise how I am feeling is "disappointed".
Sometimes, I really wonder why in the first place did I put in so much effort to do those things which I had already done?
If I known that my gut feeling etc was so accurate, I would or could have changed certain things.. or maybe.. acted in another way..

But I chose to believe and trust the good sode of people and what was I welcomed with?
Sigh.
Sometimes, I feel that I am quite stupid to not trust my gut feelings.
Or maybe.. Its something more than just gut feelings.

The effort that they are trying.. I can see.
It really takes 2 hands to clap you know?
Its not easy on them.
How about you?
Isnt it time for you to step out of your comfort zone to do what they had been doing for some time?

Enough pampering.
be independent.
Unless you tell me that you want all to end this way then..
Continue.
All will end the way you want it to end.
Your decision.
your choice.
You chose the ending.

2010-08-18T23:46:00.003+08:00

So right now..
I dont know how else can I put things into words.
I just want to let out a little bit!

Certain feeling, its very hard to describe.
But somehow, I like to keep alot of complicated emotions within me.
I like to think alot of complicating thought.
Thoughts that will literally suck alot of energy out from my body.
Thoughts that can even make me very sad for the whole week.
Thoughts that make me want to go crazy.

But with these thoughts, I come to discover myself even more!
I think so much until even in my dreams, I dream of myself dreaming of it.
So in other words, it becomes like a dream in a dream..
Doesn't it remind you of Inception? hahaha.

Sometimes, I think/dream about those things until my head becomes painful!
My head starts to feel light.
And somehow, I still continue to think/dream the same thing.
-.-

keeping it all in a small glass jar.
until its time to release..

2010-08-18T23:41:00.002+08:00

and I realised that a few months back, whatever i predicted all came true lately.
Even though I do not know what happen, but come on, just seeing da 2 different characters etc..
the 2 behaviors, the answer is obvious.
Really! Why do your want to hurt yourselves?
I really do not get it?
Maybe it is something that I would not understand I guess.
Neither do I want to understand it at this point of time,
because after knowing all those things,
I suddenly feel a different kind of fear right now.

if you can just open up your eyes wider, you will be able to see.
Please! Do not fall into the trap! You will regret it!!! I am serious!!!
As hard as I want to see you happy, but really, you are going to get hurt!
And its going to be a painful one!
But after all, the decision lies with you.
But I really hope that before you fall deeper, you would have realise something and then you would be able to twist and turn the situation around!

pls! I dont want to see another person getting hurt!

2010-08-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately.
I also dont know why, but everything all seems to be coming back to me again.
That feeling.
That fear.
That pressure.

I have dealt with that kind of pressure before.
But somehow this time it feels different.

True. Having pressure is good and bad depending on the situation you are in.
However, until you feel this pressure, you will never know how I am feeling.
You might think that its good, but.. it has been haunting me for sometime.
It has been silently creeping into me lately.
One reason is because I have strong feeling that whatever i am feeling right now might become true.

Whatever i am predicting might become true.
Its ain't a bad thing, but.. yeah..
All da behaviors will start appearing and that is when trouble and shit starts pouring in.

I really dont want to see the final thing. Cuz after all, if prevention can be done, why not in order to make sure that no one gets hurt!

2010-08-17T23:47:00.002+08:00

It was only yesterday that I suddenly realise how much my mummy means to me!
I carried da cake as if it was a treasure.
I was so worried that it will flip here and there in da box throughout the whole journey home.

Reason being..
Im very rough with the things that I hold.
If you ask me to hold a piece of paper, within seconds, it will become kiam chye.
So please!

Unless you want your things to be destroyed in my hands, dont ask me to hold it for you!

haha. Back to da cake.
I really guarded it with all my heart because I wanted my mum to eat da cake as a whole and not in many kiam chye pieces.

Happy Birthday Mum!
I love you!

2010-08-15T02:11:00.003+08:00

I dont understand alot of things.
Why do people let themselves keep on falling into the same trap over and over again?
Is it stupidity?
naive?
innocence?
ignorance?
or trying to be neutral and all?

why do people let themselves get hurt over and over again?
Is it so much fun getting hurt over and over again?
Why cant they see long terms?
I guess, this comes down to experience and maturity level.

you get hurt and angry at something.
then because of something they say,
you xin luan and then everything is all back to normal.
and then comes another day where their mood is bad or something..
they step on your toes..
you get angry and hurt all over again..

get what I mean?

Its a vicious cycle.
And you allow yourself to get trapped in it.
You allow yourself to get sucked into it.
Please! Once in awhile learn to stand your ground!

They treat you hot and cold.
Inconsistent.
I raelly want to see how long this whole thing will last.

if your intellectual level is high, by now you should know what to do already.
but I guess not.
because your are so willing to let yourself get suck into this darkhole.
Goodluck.
I want to see how your are going to get yourselves out from this blackhole!
Its not going to be easy.
because "xin luan" will be involve.

Whoo hoo.
If your know whose advice to heed, your would not be like that already.
If your are smart, your would have notice who is raelly helping you and who is not.
If your are smart enough, your would have notice who around you is more worth your time, care, concern,love etc.

Seriously!
Please!

Open up your eyes!
And when you open up your eyes..
Its not for this short term thing.
Learn how to look beyond!
But I dont blame your.
Might be too blind I guess.
Its natural.
because your will only learn the super hard way.
Your will only realise it when your are right at the bottom of the seabed.
Thats only when you realise that those people that you have been "caring for etc etc", they would not come to your rescue.

and those that your have not been really listening to etc..or have taken for granted.
they will be the ones who will be standing by you until the end.
They are the ones who have stood by you throughout without your realising!
They are the ones who are reliable!
and they are the ones that you have unknowingly hurt badly and yet they still remain loyal and faithful!

grow up please!
Be sensitive.

They aren't just personas.
Until you realise all these, right now, they are just a shadow to you.

2010-08-04T01:24:00.001+08:00

i tell you..
i almost went crazy today.
cried today.
sad today.
angry today.
what else did i not have today?
urgh.

whatever larh.
URGH!
cant take this anymore.

2010-07-29T07:04:00.001+08:00

its starting to hit me soon..
sigh...

off to tmft..
how i wish i could rewind back time and go to that particular day..
that day where none of us were even thinking of anything like now...

2010-07-28T07:46:00.003+08:00

certain things last a last time.
certain things dont even matter to me.
as long as there is space for interaction
it is all a different story.

i knew nothing
soon i started to think
i will always remember the songs that we sing
im happy when i see my hp light up with your name, as it starts to ring
but soon, it will all be gone in a blink.

see you soon..

2010-07-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

I want to cry...
I almost took a butt..
i almost cried.
no mood to eat.
or rather...
no time to eat.
stomach growling...
but..
no time to eat..

more things came in...
not enough time..
last minute things..
just keeps piling and piling..

wont be able to protect you any longer..
learn to stand up for yourself!..
i'll see you once in a while..

when big sis was around..
i could count on her..
now she is not in singapore..
who can i count on?
Who can i cry to?
who can i pour out my sorrows to?

clown?
indeed..
it seems like..

2010-07-22T23:06:00.002+08:00

Everyday, early in the morning, I feel like crying. I dont know why. Certain things are beyond description.
But I am always relief when its like 6pm or something. Maybe because I know that my candle will start relighting again.

Prioritising is tough for me.
Letting go is even tougher.
Certain things right now, I am avoiding.
I am trying my best to not face it as if I am just dreaming or something. but somehow, this reality is killing me.

I have never felt this bad before.
Each day passes..
I dont know why that thought keep on coming back to me..
He is smart.
he saw through me.
Why deny?
Certain things, its not on purpose.
For now, I really dunno the answer.
the answer that im givin myself, i dunno if its real or fake.

in life, we want things to go the way we have planned for ourselves.
but in truth, it might not turn out the way we want it to be.
I dont know if I should be the good person or bad person.

whatever it is, i really just hope for the best.
somehow, im really hoping that things would be alright no matter what the outcome is.
This vicious game of death is slowly overpowering me.
i have hung on for so long already.
I dont want to give in now. Not NOW!
But part of my mind says that it is ok to slacken abit.
But I know that once there is some slack, the chances of getting hurt is going to increase.
Why am I caught in this kind of game?
I just want to press the "quit" button, but somehow, that button seems to be not working.

He said it right.
he posed me a scenario / question etc.
he knew how i would react.
sigh..
i want to stop this game asap.

however at times, i really want to (option A).
But im scared.
Do you know waht fear is?
As i grow older, I understand the word "fear" more and more.
what am i scared of?
I, myself know the answer.
for once, i dont have the courage.
what a loser.

sigh...

it stung me.
straight.
really.
shrugs it off.
haunts me again.
stings me again.
shrugs it off.
stings me again..
and it continues...

i said it.. if i have something that i want to attain, i will go all out to get it.
No matter what.. i will get it.
Somehow, this thing.. Seems unreachable..
Or rather..
I would have to go through so many obstacles, pain etc.. and at the point of giving up, it finally is in my hand.

i dunno.
this whole week suck.
ran temperature yesterday.
brain died.

every part all die.
sigh...
i dun mind if i am living in my own fantasy.
if thats the case.
just continue to let me live in this dream/ fantasy.
dun bother waking me up.

for i am afraid that once i wake up from this dream/fantasy,
puddles of blood can be seen.
level of it will rise at a speed that engulfs the ground within a second..

sigh..

2010-07-22T00:38:00.002+08:00

i was running a temperature this morning..
din feel all that well.
I think my candle is flickering super badly..
sigh..

Im so glad for the night activity..

Thank you Dailo and Shuhui! I was really fun! and Dailo! Thanks for the burger and puff! yay!
No words can describe how relief, happy and comfortable I was when I was with your!!
Thank you! =)

2010-07-20T00:32:00.003+08:00

i dun have the appetite to finish my dinner.
The more i think, the more i realise that thinking too much is going to kill me soon...
Sigh..

but i cant help but to keep on thinking!
It hurts!
It really does!
Good things do not come easily..
im willing to wait..

i really need to find things or all ways to destress myself.
i want to let it all out at my favourite place..
i want to cry at my favourite place.
I just want to take comfort in my favourite place..

really..

sigh...

2010-07-19T23:41:00.002+08:00

Im feeling so weak.
For once, I managed to survive for hours without food.
I wanted to not eat my dinner and just go to bed, but other things told me to eat abit.

I felt so uncomfortable during the meeting.
Why so long this time?
dozed off abit cuz I was so so tired.
And I blacked out.

This feeling, I cannot describe.
It hurts.
I cannot breathe.
My head is pain.
My heart is pain.
My leg is pain.
everywhere is pain.
sigh..
geez..

bro.. I finally understand how you feel...
sigh.
I can only just watch everything goes by.
All because of the lack of confidence.

2010-07-16T00:29:00.003+08:00

So many things that I am missing out on.
Yet some of them, I dont really feel that upset about.
And some of them, I feel uneasy.

Those that I do not feel upset about, I know that the near arriving days will be even better! Because after all, everything happens for a reason.
Things that we cannot control, even though other ppl might be angry, upset, happy etc about it, as mentioned before, we have no control over it, hence those things will happen for a reason.

It might be negative. It might be positive. But everything will be alright in the end!

Back to reality.

I do not know hot to give them a reply.
Even though right now at work, I still have so many things which I have not completed, I have decided that before I leave, I must complete those things that I have planned.
However, knowing that work can never be over as things will just keep on coming in, the stress and pressure that I have given myself has accelerated my working pace. But somehow, i still feel as if I am doing things at a tortise pace.
Sigh.

How else can I speed things up? Unless I am superman or something? Geez.

I hope she knows what to do tomorrow. Or rather, she will take abit more initiative to ask what are the things that she can help out with. If I had more time, I would have given her more instructions. However, I am too busy right now to even bother about her.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am not doing my job well.
I was tasked to guide her well, but her actions make me wonder if she is even listening to me or not? It seems as if she wants to avoid as much work as she can. I dont know. I really dont.
Too much on my mind that this morning, I even dreamt of working!
But that is the fun part of it!

Greater things are yet to come!
Greater days are yet to arrive!
Greater memories are yet to stay in my heart!

This is my last year already. Even though I still have one more sem, people might say that there is still alot of time. Let me say that" Time passes very quickly".
In a blink of an eye, from a Year 1, now i have became a Year 3 student.
It is a good and bad thing.
Good in the sense that I am graduating and i will lead a different life. Or rather, a life that I still want sports to be included in my venn diagram.
Bad is that i wont be able to let go of all that I have went through. And yet, I cant wait to know what will I be going through after I have graduated out of TP.

See the pros and cons. But life still must go on.. No matter what the circumstances, I will still have to graduate, either find a job after that or continue studying.
Another option might be going into army!

So many things that I have kept inside for some time.
Each year, I experience different things, people, situation, moods, attitudes etc.
Different batches of people I treat differently.
But ultimately, it is after i get to know you better then things will be different. Attachment may be part of the blame.
Sometimes I ask myself, what so different was my attitude towards the younger batch in 2009 and 2010.
i got my answer, after finding it for a long time.
Somehow, I hope that someone not in my batch will be able to do the ideal thing.
Nonetheless, as long as my batch have not graduated, we will always be there for each other and or the team.

up till now, I realise that my phrasing of the sentence is getting worse and worse.
Its either my brain is not functioning properly.. or..

Im glad that I have been given many opportunities and chances be it in CCA, working life, school life, church life, fmaily life etc.
From there, I learn many things and I grow from them.
After all, if one wants to learn new things, they would have to walk the same path again the next day.

only then will they realise something different.
something which might be staring at their faces for the longest of time, yet they cant seem to see it. something which is easy and yet it seems so difficult.

Things in life. its not as complex as how our brains tend to perceive. Instead, sometimes if we just look at it simply, all would be ok. Problems might even be solved in a different manner.

I cant wait!
slow and surely.

I will not trade anything for that 1 precious chance.

it hurt too much.
Im not going to let that happen ever again!

2010-07-15T01:49:00.002+08:00

attachment is going to be over for me soon.
yet somehow I feel that there are still so many things which I have not down yet.
SIP has been fun for me, though there will be certain things which I will not be able to say goodbye.
Or rather, It will be hard to let go.

"Letting go" is really hard for me. Be it for anything. Its definitely something which i have to learn no matter how long it takes.
Sigh.

i cant stand letting go.
Now, less than 2 weeks more.
but yet I am glad at the same time.

Thinking back, I was not thinking rationally at that point of time that I forego many things. I knew what was the right thing to do, But I just refused to admit or see it.
And now, I dont even have to worry about it, because I know that everything as already been settled.

I guess, I really believe that everything happens for a reason!
And Im thankful that I am not badly injured that day.
But it did teach me a painful lesson and I will not want to go through it ever again!

till then,
I hope the vicious cycle will start to disappear.
and..
Everything is all a new chapter!
I cant wait to flip the next page of the book to embark on my new journey in..

CHAPTER 32!

2010-07-10T06:33:00.001+08:00

just abit more.

2010-07-10T00:24:00.001+08:00

patience.

the time has not come yet.

2010-07-08T22:26:00.002+08:00

screw everything.
If it continues like this..
I tell you
things will just backfire.

read something.
it just made me roll my eyes.
WHAT THE .... _____.
be it getting the full picture or not..
whatever. shut the ____ up!

words kill.
just to let you know.
Your words are killing me.
or rather. im killed already.
good job.
keep it up.

so does it mean that certain situation causes one to react in a certain way.
a certain way which hurt ppl.
if i didnt care, i would have done so much more than all these.
if i didnt care, i would have been somewhere else.
if i didn care, i would have just reacted a certain way.
but no. i did not.
cuz i m trying.
im trying very hard.
you may not see it.
but my heart is bleeding.

this whole vicious cycle is going to kill me one day.
this whole vicious cycle, im trying to conquer
at least i said that i was willing.
and no. this time was worst.
i did not ask for it.
i got reprimanded.
i got ignored.
i got crticisms.
I DID NOT ASK FOR IT!
what more?
damn it.

you think i dont want to.
whatever. maybe from your point of view.
but i guess i dont blame you.
because if i were to classify your.
i would be out of the circle.
all of your would have something similar to intersect.
i will be out of the circle.

I DID NOT ASK FOR IT!
IM TRYING!
IM WILLING TO TRY.
at least im willing to try.
din get praises for trying.
i got the negative.
if thats the case, might as well dun even try.

whatever larh.
what the heck.

i will turn it around.
screw everything.

2010-07-06T09:47:00.000+08:00

sometimes, its just that I care too much which is why I am acting like that.

2010-07-06T08:08:00.002+08:00

You would not know how it feels unless you are in my shoes.
Just as much as you are hurting,
I am also hurting just as badly as you are.

Do not think that you are the only one hurting that badly.
do not think that you are the only one suffering alone.

Because there are bound to be other people out there hurting as badly as you.
there are bound to be other people out there suffering just as much as you, or even more.

so please. do not just look at one side.
A coin has 2 sides.
all had been said alr.

thank you.

2010-07-05T13:56:00.001+08:00

5/1

What more can i ask for?

the perfect 1!

its now or never!

2010-07-05T13:56:00.000+08:00

5/1

What more cani ask for?

the perfect 1!

2010-07-01T00:01:00.002+08:00

Im really drained out this week. Sigh.
Another long day later. Sigh.

That familiar feeling.
It feels so near,
yet at the same time it seems so distant from me.
Why?

But Im glad for today though I dont really feel that I was myself.
I guess Im just tired.
But after tomorrow should be better already.. I hope..
-prays-

I have ran out of my medication for my flu and sore throat.
And guess what.
I still have clogs of mucus in my nose.
Its so thick that it just gets stuck in my nose, making it hard for me to breathe.
Oh gosh.

The medication is either useless or.. I have not enough rest for the meddy to have effect on me. Sigh.
Either option, it just sucks.

There is a tingling sensation in my body.
I do not want to admit it.. But its kind of disturbing me.
Maybe I am just paranoid. I guess I just want to avoid the worry about that feeling.

With that aside,
its all going to begin. soon.
I will definitely remember what she told me.
im really very thankful for her.

Anyway, on a happier note, friday is tomorrow! And I am going to see sissy sis!! YAY! Not to mention, keys!
Oh, I saw her twin sis today at TP! Somehow I was really happy to see her sis!
Never mind!
Time spent on Friday with the 2 of them is even better!!! =)

2010-06-30T04:30:00.002+08:00

I worry.
yet im happy.
and im also sad.

can I even have all these feelings all at the same time?
Surely there must be one feeling that is overpowering the other 2 right? I dont know.
If yes, it means that one of the situation has been placed as the higher priority right?
I dont know. I am very confuse.
Really!

Right now, I only know that I cannot wait for Fri to come cuz I can finally meet her!!
After so long! After being able to squeeze time out from her busy schedule!
Finally! just 2 more days!

these past few days..
Thank you QAD! =)

2010-06-27T00:28:00.002+08:00

sigh.
everything is all moving too quickly that it all seems like a dream or fairytale to me. It all seems so vague.

So many things I want to pen down, but somehow.. nothing seems to be coming out.
I guess I will just keep it all inside me.. Until one day when i am finally ready to pen it down simply.

It keeps on replaying in my head. I just cant seem to find the reason.

And so I was on my way home and I looked at the date. That is when I realise that someone dear to me is going to leave me soon.
SOON!
Why?
Cant it be next year?
2 years later? 20 years later would be even better!
I hate goodbyes!

A new beginning for her.
Im happy for her.
But..
sigh..
I cant bear!

everything in my head is like a washing machine. Its just spinning all in a mess.
I cant even sought out my thoughts well.

I just took my medicine.
But I dont even feel like sleeping.
I dun even feel like doing anything.
I just want to think and think until I fall asleep.
But sigh.
Sometimes it just backfires..
And I think too much until I cannot sleep.

Ohwells.

seeing it.

2010-06-18T14:10:00.002+08:00

my eyes are hurting from staring too much at the screen.
I feel so... Urgh..

Soon. Its coming soon.
I cant wait!
And yet..
Well..
Not exactly counting down.

Oh the pain..

2010-06-17T09:23:00.002+08:00

Attachment is causing me to be in lots of delima. (However you may spell it)
I dont want it to end and yet I want it to end.
I will miss my colleagues!! Definitely!

I told him" I did not choose the wrong place. I chose the right place. Im glad I came here and I do not regret it!"

Im really glad that I was given this opportunity!

As much as I wanted to be away from it, at the end, I still cant because I know that that is what I want!
I have chosen it.

I really cant wait to step into the gym!
I really cant wait to start using the equipment in the gym once again!
I cant wait!
I cant wait!
Oh the horror!
It's killing me!
But Im glad for everything. Everything that has been happening to me, Im really glad.
Certain things I dont want it to happen this way, but it still did..
Im still glad for it.

Looking at things from a new perspective!
Its interesting!

Challenges makes the journey exciting!
Embrace it!

2010-06-05T22:55:00.003+08:00

" Excuse me, but can you help me to check if my son is alright in the toilet? It seems that he is taking a long time in there", said a lady.

"Sure no problem. Just give me a moment. I need to call a lifeguard to help", I replied.

2010-06-01T01:07:00.002+08:00

i feel so helpless right now.
i cannot do anything to help you
i dont even know if what you meant was real or not.
but to me, i took it as a real meaning.
one thing can promise and assure is that
if i can, i will definitely be there for you.
i will protect you!

2010-06-01T00:13:00.003+08:00

recently, duck rice is my favourite food.
Lunch yesterday was Duck rice.
Dinner was also duck rice.
I wonder why..

While I was having my dinner yesterday, I was feeling abit down.
That particular thought kept on going through my mind.
"61 more days.. 61 more days."...
You know... I really cant bear for that 61 more days to come.
How I wish that these 61 days will be moving at a slower rate.
But at the same time, I also want these 61 days to pass faster, if not I dont know what will I be doing during office hours.

What contradiction.
What contrast.
Sad to say.
Time will not stop.
It will only move forward.
Hence, I must also move forward in time.

It has started to hurt me bit by bit already.
What can I do?
Right now, i can only shrug it off.
Righ now, i can only smile it away, till that particular day comes nearer.

Preparing myself.
But I know that today will be different from that particular today.

today is today
today is tomorrow's yesterday
today is yesterday's tomorrow.

tomorrow is tomorrow
tomorrow is today's tomorrow
tomorrow is 2 days later the yesterday.

no words needed to be said.
she could see it all in her eyes.

2010-05-30T08:24:00.000+08:00

somehow, im dreading 2 months later.

and woa. that sms coincide with the sermon.

Im so proud of Choong! Well done! =)

2010-05-30T00:05:00.001+08:00

im amazed with myself for today.
im also amazed at her actions.
untolerable.

so much i want to say, yet i duno how to, put it across in words.
i guess, i will putting it through actions.
anyway, bf is coming back tomorrow! yaay! -screams-

2010-05-29T00:00:00.003+08:00

i almost cried this afternoon.
I almost cried in the evening.
finally, i could not take it.
I cried on the train at night.
I cried on the bus at night.
i cried badly in my heart.

those sms meant alot to me.
the moment i read them,
tears just started to pour down.
im really glad and at the same time,
im very sad.

about 1 more month plus.
2 more days.

what will happen after about 2 more months?
what will happen to me after 1 month plus?
no one to sacrifice her studying time etc to listen to me cry on the phone, rant on the phone etc.
no one to guide me in the right path.

please dont go!

i dun like saying goodbyes.
it just hurt so much..

2010-05-28T00:02:00.001+08:00

Hold me close
and take one step

wont you promise me?
you keep dancing

every step together
we keep on getting better

cepat kembali!
aku rindu kamu!

2010-05-27T01:02:00.003+08:00

dear journal,

I have been eating non stop and yes, I gained weight. Oh the happiness and sadness at the same time.

wo bu hui rang ni diao yan lei
xian zai yong yuan
ni jiu shi wo
jiu shi wo de mei.

going through a storm
Im sure the storm will pass very fast!
I believe.
everything will be alright in the end.

somehow, my mind keeps floating back.
i wonder how it will be when my SIP end.
sigh.

surprisingly, I dont want it to end.
=(

2010-05-22T00:32:00.001+08:00

urgh!

Its killing me!
Like seriously!

I am never sick of that song because it reminds me of you.

Im going to scream at my computer soon!!

-clears throat-

2010-05-21T02:05:00.002+08:00

at times, you feel that you are protecting this particular person.. or rather, your friend.

cross that line and you become possessive.
and cross that line, it will be gone.. forever..

but think deeper.
at the end of the day, you might only be hurting and harming the person.
why do this?
true. the giver and receiver plays a part.
but well.. why go through this?

i dont know.
it will definitely seem illogical to you.

that thing i read and what I heard.
Though i cannot really find the big similarity
but somehow that 2 words were drawn to my attention.
waiting// patiently..

2010-05-21T01:24:00.002+08:00

People always think that Clowns are meant to make you laugh.
I guess thats part of their job.
Some people refer clowns as foolish or stupid because all they can do is to make a fool out of themselves to make others happy.
well.. from another point of view, being a clown is not easy. Have you ever thought about it?

Being a clown, one has to put aside all his/her problems and make people feel better.
During the show, the clown manages to make the audience laugh, feel better etc etc.
At the end of the day, the clown picks up his/her problems again to shoulder it once more before bringing it forward to the next day before his/her next show.
Who is there to cheer that clown up?
Who will be there for that clown?
No one.

Not easy for them!
and yet they can do it!
Salute!

positive + negative = positive!

-sunshine clown-

=)

2010-05-19T09:19:00.001+08:00

i went for a hair cut yesterday.

And the woman cut more that i expected.
I sat on the chair, with a shocked heart.
but overall.
Im happy with da new haircut!

2010-05-19T09:18:00.001+08:00

sometimes i dont even know what am i thinking of.
at times, I think that I am crazy!

it just keeps on coming back to me.

2010-05-18T23:05:00.001+08:00

exactly 1 week.
time pass very fast.
somehow, my mind still travels back.
my body is moving forward.
and my soul goes back to that night and forward till this day.

that feeling.

2010-05-17T00:54:00.002+08:00

Im really glad for that night..
I know it will still hurt you alot..
But I promise you, I will do whatever to lessen your pain, though i cannot take away your pain totally.

All you got to do is to give me a chance..

Now I can understand why single animals always die due to no companionship. That is how I am feeling right now.

As i look upon it, I keep on thinking about that night.
The words you said to me.
the convo we had before we slept.
I think Im crazy.
But I really like it.
That warmth.
that feeling.
I really felt safe.

2010-05-13T23:43:00.000+08:00

i like that particular night.
I felt safe
i felt secure

2010-05-13T22:23:00.002+08:00

After prediction...

When you know that something bad might happen..
Do you step in and prevent it from happening?
Or do you go ahead and let failure come in, and learn from the failure after that?

Somehow when you are stuck in this hole, you just cant seem to see the things around you.
You are so fixed on a perticular thing. You depend on yourself. You keep everything to yourself. You don open up. You are torturing yourself. And at the same time, you are hurting the people around you.

The cost of it.
It matters to them.
Does it matter to you?

It hurts us to see you like this.
raelly helpless...

2010-05-09T01:46:00.001+08:00

Shut up and just train.

2010-05-09T01:45:00.001+08:00

BL! Please come back!

=(

2010-05-09T01:44:00.001+08:00

i have enough alr.

off to stay with BL and BF later..
For now.
in my own box.

im there for you BF!

2010-05-05T22:20:00.002+08:00

I realise that people do affect each other.
I mean everyone all knows it and you will start thinking in your head that this is going to be nonsense. But heck.

Certain people will have more effect or impact on the majority while others will have lesser. And yes, I miss BL.
Today, i saw how BF was going through her day, and wow. I felt so bad for her.
BF was so stress. And I could not do alot for her. Only once in a while, making her laugh over msn, trying to cheer her up during lunch time etc.
I know how she feels. It must be very bad for her.
See BF staring into blank space, staring at her hp etc.
=(

and to our surprise, BL came! straight away, BF expression change. Her mood became better and she was all smiles.
I like BL and BF like that! I was also happier!

it shows how much BL means to BF! BL can affect BF so much!
Do you have someone who affects you greatly?

yay!
Staying with BL and BF tomorrow! =)

2010-05-04T23:16:00.003+08:00

i cried on the way home.
on the bus
the tears just flow down my cheeks
i could not control my tears

it just feels so...

thanks Big sis!
I felt so much better after talking to you!
You always make me feel better!
=)

2010-05-03T00:53:00.002+08:00

i watched from the back.
i see familiar faces walking up.
i wanted to call out to them
but some thing just make me look around more
and deeper.

but voices that she recognise,
asking about her
showing her care
wanting to just laugh with and at her
it really did make her cry.

she knows she is fighting her own battle.

2010-04-29T23:42:00.001+08:00

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
~ Ayn Rand

2010-04-28T21:38:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, that qn I ask myself sting me really hard.
Sometimes, I dont even know the answer myself
And sometimes I do.

Is a creative person different or a person different creative?

How Different are you from the rest?

2010-04-28T21:35:00.002+08:00

I dont know what to say.
Im just so...

FYI: I shitted 6 times during working hours today.
Not counting at home, about another 2 times?
I hate anti-biotics!

It taste like rubber and plastic add together!
How gross can it be! Urgh!

2010-04-28T00:03:00.002+08:00

im still currently worried about certain things. but i guess that everything will be alright in the end!

im glad for them! it is not that bad after all! and to think that soon left 2 months or so! urgh!

and i still have not met up with big sis yet!

hate to admit, but im enjoying myself! =)

and soon! back to BW! hahhha!

2010-04-26T23:49:00.002+08:00

i cannot stand eating medicine! they are so bitter!

i wonder how ppl can just pop like 10 plus pills into their mouths! urgh.. the thought of it just makes me shudder.

2010-04-26T22:14:00.001+08:00

soon.

whats the point of verbal?
actions hidden?
more verbal?
more actions hidden?

its a vicious cycle.

i'll not fall into that trap.

i believe that it will be better.

2010-04-25T21:35:00.001+08:00

weakened.

2010-04-22T22:56:00.001+08:00

thanks guys!

and im off again!

2010-04-21T23:21:00.001+08:00

its that one.

2010-04-21T22:52:00.002+08:00

So far from everything.
im really struggling
I dont know what I can do.
Im trying everything I can!

it just sucks.
seriously.

2010-04-14T22:54:00.003+08:00

its less fun without you guys.

2010-04-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

Having the perseverance is when you keep on doing the same thing that you are sick of.

2010-04-14T22:53:00.002+08:00

Even though I just got to know them, but i feel comfortable with them.
yet, one of them left alr.
A few more soon.
why?

stay strong.

2010-04-13T23:35:00.000+08:00

one by one they are leaving..

=(

its all too soon..

2010-04-10T22:10:00.002+08:00

I never knew that she would feel that way too.

lets use number to depict my life now.

starting off from 0.

0 - 1 - 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 1

Ok. so far, at least its a positive. not that bad.

2010-04-08T00:40:00.001+08:00

as long as we are the ones doing the right things is enough to last.

said by someone.

really diferent.
im doing all i can!

2010-04-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

certain things need not be said.

2010-04-04T21:45:00.001+08:00

I cannot promise
I cannot guarantee
But I will try.

2010-04-04T21:44:00.002+08:00

like what adult bull do to protect their young,
surrounding them,
protecting them from enemies
ensuring their young is the center

that is how its going to be like

2010-04-04T21:43:00.002+08:00

thank you for doing so much for me!
I promise that I wont gu fu ni de hao yi!
thank you!

J.

2010-04-04T21:35:00.002+08:00

Meeting up with old friends is always the best.
They tend to allow one to forget all your present hurts and worries until you are alone again.
temporary, but i like those feelings.

innocent and naive.
Seeing them just be so happy among themselves, enjoying each other's company etc,
altogether it makes me happy.
What more can I ask for.
The smiles on their faces.

I am human after all.
I am glad!

2010-04-04T00:48:00.002+08:00

i really feel like giving up at certain points in time.
But I tell myself to stay strong and to hang in there!
Why give up now after coming this far?
It's not the end
For it is only the beginning!

I will not give up!
Yosh!

2010-04-03T02:07:00.001+08:00

its not easy.
im really trying..

fire in the eyes.

Im gonna win!

2010-04-02T22:23:00.002+08:00

so bad that i wanted to cry
so bad that i wanted to just run all the way there
so bad

its just so bad

why?

2010-04-02T22:23:00.001+08:00

it hurts you know

2010-04-02T02:25:00.005+08:00

no 0 and no -

i can only move up the ladder

2010-04-02T02:25:00.003+08:00

no fate